A Diatribe from PIG

I haven’t been to Politically Incorrect Gazette in a while.

The latest was a doozy!

Here it is.

The Free State of PIG’s primer on parenthood in the 21st century.

APPLES & TREES
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“Anyone can spawn, but those who are least prepared for parenthood are the ones who are most likely to play reproduction roulette with the human gene pool.”

– Hambo’s Spawning axiom

This week’s Top Story paints a bull’s-eye on one of the toughest endeavors a human can undertake: parenthood. It doesn’t matter how you git ‘er done -spawning, adoption, or marrying into an existing family – parenthood isn’t for the faint-hearted. I know what you’re thinking and, as usual, you’re assuming facts not entered into evidence.

Yes, parenthood is very rewarding, but you’ll bust your ass earning those rewards, especially in this Obamunist Error.

Yes, parenthood can give you awesome moments which are above and beyond the highs produced by any other endeavor.

The other night, I watched a superb example of parenthood on a cable channel. It involved a dad who was helping his middle school aged son, modify one of those munchkin size motorcycles. The essential element in this story is that dad isn’t a gearhead. When it came to auto mechanics, working on cars, trucks or motorcycles he didn’t have a clue. Furthermore, he isn’t up to speed on things like welding, and assorted other relevant skills.

Dad proved he had the right stuff by helping his son research the various tasks needed for the project. He helped his son by hooking him up with a cycle wrangler who taught the lad how to weld. Dad found a machinist who showed the lad the finer points of metal fabrication. In other words dad and son learned the various skills needed to modify the lad’s ride, together. Dad didn’t try to buy his son a customized ride, because he knew it would be better to let his son do it for himself. He allowed his son to succeed or fail so he could learn the essential life lessons from the attempt. It was an example of parenting at its best.

Another memorable parenting moment happened the morning after Halloween, last Fall. A young couple stopped to thank us for our record-shattering pop corn adventure. They’d moved into a house one street over in April. Armed with a plastic garbage bag, the couple and their grade school age tykes were going through the neighborhood, picking up Halloween Night trash. That’s a good neighbor. It’s also setting an excellent example for their young ‘uns.

A friend of mine scares the crap out of local Educrats. Why? He’s a passionate, outspoken, defender of his sons’ right to a proper education. He’s the Educrats worst nightmare: a rational individual who won’t be silenced, and rejects the usual Educrap bull crap. His sons are lucky to have a great dad.

What’s my point? Good parents are out there and we salute them. However, I still have unresolved issues. Such as? Glad you asked. My primary ‘issue’ with human reproduction is the fact that it’s much too easy.

Unlike our animal counterparts whose sexual drive is entirely procreational, humans are blessed/cursed with a dual purpose sex drive which is procreational and recreational at the same time. Our animal friends get to ignore their sex drives for months at a time, until, at specific times of the year, they gather to ‘perpetuate the species.’ Another design advantage given to animals involves who is allowed to breed. In many animal species, only the select few – the strongest, genetically superior, who have the greatest chance for survival – are allowed to breed. This fact of nature tends to improve a given species, over time. [No…I’m not advocating this approach for humans.]

I am saying that, before someone decides to spawn, they should give it as much thoughtful consideration as they give to purchasing a house. Both are decades-long commitments. Both require hard work, sacrifice, and an ability to deal with unanticipated drama. Again, both endeavors are rewarding and worth doing, but neither should be entered into blindly. To put it bluntly “oops” is no substitute for family planning.

If this sage advice is ignored, you get a pedophile loving horror like Mama June engaged in serial spawning.

North ‘Nori’ West seems destined to go through life with papa Kanye’s scowl and mama Kim’s [Porn Star Kardashian’s] colossal caboose. We’ll keep your fingers crossed and hope for the best.

Just the thought of what might emerge from Paris Hilton’s toxic nads gives me night sweats. Let’s hope we never find out.

Admittedly, we all cringed when Twerpy Tom Cruise spawned with Katie Holmes. It was nightmarish, until Katie made us proud when she escaped Tom’s Twilight Zone with daughter Suri. Katie has succeeded, so far, in keeping Suri unsullied by daddy’s legendary moonbattery.

Snooki has spawned and so has Tila Tequila a double whammy which bodes ill for humanity.

No list of celebrity offspring would be complete without mentioning that harbinger of all that is evil in America: Obama’s imaginary son. Oh, how that imaginary lad has suffered.

Thanks to Korrectniks, activists and other pests, parenthood, which has always been action packed, keeps getting more daunting. Here are a few Korrectnik inspired magic parenthood moments:

• Your wenchlet daughter throws you this curve ball, “Daddy, why is that strange boy, Tommy Wilson, allowed to use the girl’s bathroom? Teacher called it something silly…trans something.”

“Transgenderism?”

“That’s it, what does it mean daddy?”

By all means, field that one daddy, but remember that inconvenient truth. Whatever you tell her will be repeated at school, so something real like “Tommy has always been a twisted little twerp” or “Like his daddy, Tommy likes to pretend he’s a girl” won’t cut it. Welcome to the wonderful world of ‘my daddy said’, dude.

• A Middle School age daughter sets her laptop on the kitchen table where mom is having her morning coffee. “Can you help me set up my Facebook page? I’m having trouble picking a gender.”

Mom smiles that ‘you silly girl’ smile. “You’re a girl sweetheart. The correct choice is female.”

“That’s not on the list mom.”

“It has to be. There are only two.”

“They have 56 and female isn’t one of them.”

After studying the choices, mom looks stunned. “What did your father say?”

Giggling, baby girl rolls her eyes. “You won’t let me say stuff like that. Let’s just say it was…colorful.”

“Leave it blank. With a name like Jennifer Elaine, we’ll let your ‘friends’ do the math.”

“Maybe I’ll change it every day. I’ll start at the top and work my way down the list. Or I could just pick one at random, every day. Thanks mom.”

• Your son looks at his Little League trophy then drops it in the trash can, asking, “Why does everyone get a trophy? Even Ruben got one and he can’t even walk to first base without falling down.

Your move parenting Sparky.

“Little League is stupid. They won’t let us keep score and nobody ever wins. What’s the point?”

I’m reasonably certain that getting real with “Little League is run by a bunch of lefties who have their heads up their ass.” is begging for trouble.

Don’t even get me started on adventures in Zero Tolerance, where finger guns, sharing mom’s homemade cookies with classmates, and chewing your Pop Tart into the shape of a gun get your tyke suspended. If you can make your young ‘un understand that, I’m very impressed.

What, you ask, is your reward? The Nanny State demotes ‘mom/mother’ and ‘dad/father’ to ‘parent 1’, ‘parent 2′. How thrilling is that! It gets even better, parent Sparky, because the Educrats at your kids’ cess school have your young ‘uns spying on you. Are we having fun yet?

You’ll be giddy to learn that the Nanny State Nitwits, Educrats, and activists of all ilks agree that you’re a bad influence on your children. Fear not, they plan to rescue the tykes, before it’s too late.

Thanks to the Progtards, the feckless Elephant Clan establishment, Greeniacs, Educrats and too many other asshats, your children face a troubling future. Through sabotage and neglect, America has squandered its legacy. Their America will be less free, less prosperous, and much more dangerous than the America your parents bequeathed to you and your siblings.

Your children’s ability to restore what has been lost will be greatly hampered by an increasingly oppressive Nanny State. How bad will it be? It’s difficult to determine, because it depends on something we still don’t know: Will the U.S. Constitution out-live us?

Given that grim reality, what, if anything, can you do? More than you think.

As a parent, it’s up to you to prepare your children for the challenges they’ll face. The time to start that endeavor is NOW.

• To prepare your children for success, you must allow them learn the essential life lessons that are part and parcel with failure. Get the kids into a sports league where they keep score, where someone wins or loses, and where trophies are awarded for achievement.

• Before your children can restore the America that’s lost, you must make sure they know what it was. Have them read ‘Liberty and Tyranny’ by Mark Levin if they’re old enough to understand it. Get younger kids on the right track with the ‘Rush Revere’ series by El Rushbo.

• With group think running rampant, give your children the courage to be an individual.

• Encourage your children to brush aside all those nay sayers plus all the unnecessary Nanny State hurdles, when they pursue their personal, highly individualized American Dream.

• Instill in your children the core beliefs (values if you will) that form the solid foundation for their lives.

• Make your children understand that they won’t succeed by ‘feeling’ their way through life. They succeed by using reason to conduct their lives.

A Few Stray Parenting Notions

• Whenever possible, inject some PIGish fun into your parenting.

• Encourage Moonbeam and Little Johnny to use the term ‘cess-school’ and wait for that note from the relevant Educrat.

• Use the PIG Primer to teach your rugrat their ABCs. A gem like “G is for GLAAD BAAGS” is ticking time bomb ready to thrill some unsuspecting Progtard spitless.

• Add a generous dose of PIGisms to your childrens’ vocabulary, then sit back and wait for some unsuspecting lib to set one off.

• If Moonbeam introduces you to her Goth BFF, think twice before you mouth off. Goth wenchlets tend to be bad ass. You probably don’t want to go there.

• If you’re a Bill Engvall fan you’re locked and loaded for that ‘I’ve got no problem going back to prison’ encounter with Moonbeam’s new boyfriend.

Since this rant needs a slam bang finish, I’ll share this compelling Dave Barry Wisdom:

• “Do not try to be cool. You are not cool to your child. You are hideously embarrassing.”

• “Do not talk to your child’s friends. This will be hideously embarrassing to your child. If you are around your child’s friends, you should be invisible and wear military-style camouflage.”

• “Never, ever sing in the presence of your child’s friends, unless you want your child to do something. Like, ‘If you don’t get an A in geometry, I am going to sing in public.’ ”

• “When you’re driving your child and your child’s friends, do not talk to them. Do not sing along with the radio. Do not act like you are even in the car. Ideally, you should run along next to the car steering through the window.”

I’ll close with this PIGish notion. Never embarrass your child accidentally. If you’re headed down that road don’t waste it, make sure all the kid’s friends are there to enjoy it.

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